Testimonial with Jéssica
My name is Jéssica, I’m 28 years old, and I am a Social Worker. I was born and live in Portugal, but I often say I’m from the world.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in 2022.
What was the process like before and during the diagnosis? How did you handle it?
The journey to my diagnosis was marked by a series of traumatic experiences. Since I was young, I dealt with traumas that left a deep imprint on my mind. These traumas shaped my worldview and directly impacted my mental health. For as long as I can remember, I recall an overwhelming sense of not fitting into the world around me. I felt different from other people as if I was looking at life through a dark, distorted lens. This constant disconnection led to intense emotional distress. Over the years, symptoms that had previously been mostly internal became very visible, making social interactions difficult. I decided to seek professional help, and after about a year, I received the diagnosis of Borderline.
For me, that moment was truly a relief. Finally, I had a name for the emptiness, the pain, and the feeling of being and feeling different. The diagnosis not only validated my experiences but also opened the door to treatment possibilities. From that point, I could begin a process of acceptance and learning.
Which symptoms affect you the most?
The symptoms have a major impact on different areas of my life. Over the years, their intensity has fluctuated, and I fit into the nine diagnostic criteria.
However, the symptoms that affect me most are:
Feeling of Emptiness: I often have a deep sense of emptiness inside, as if something essential is missing within me. This feeling is very overwhelming and hard to bear.
Difficulty Building My Identity: The huge need to belong somewhere or to a group, combined with the big fear of abandonment, has led to a rather chameleon-like process of building my identity. In other words, my personality changed depending on who I was with. I struggled—and still struggle—to develop a solid and stable identity. This results in a constant battle to understand who I really am and what I want for myself and my life.
Recurring Thoughts of Wanting to End My Life: I have many internal battles and intrusive thoughts about suicide. These thoughts are overwhelming, leading to long periods of despair and emotional anguish.
Self-Destructive Acts: In moments of intense distress, I engage in impulsive and self-destructive behaviors (drug use, eating disorders, and involvement in harmful relationships).
How do you deal with these symptoms, which have you learned to manage, and how? What helps you regulate your emotions, triggers, impulses?
Dealing with these symptoms has been a very challenging path, especially given the lack of specialized support in Portugal. After receiving my psychiatric diagnosis, I realized that few professionals have specific training in dialectical behavior therapy, essential for treating Borderline. Unfortunately, I encountered prejudice from three psychologists, making it even harder to find adequate help.
Only about three months ago did I finally find a professional who makes me feel like they know what they’re doing and genuinely believes in active recovery from the disorder.
In light of this reality, I’ve tried to learn how to regulate my emotions, triggers, and impulses. One of the strategies I’ve adopted is identifying signs that something is going wrong inside of me and trying to remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible. I recognize that, at these moments, this is one of the few ways I can control myself.
However, I understand that learning to regulate my emotions, triggers, and impulses is a gradual process. Yet, I am very committed to continuing my journey of self-discovery and self-care, even with the challenges of accessing treatment in Portugal.
What are your biggest fears regarding this disorder? And what positives do you see in it?
My biggest fears are:
Fear of never stopping feeling the pain intensely; fear of never being able to build a stable life; fear of never discovering my true identity and desires; fear of impulsive, irreversible behaviours.
The positive sides I find are:
Extreme empathy; the ability to read a room and people well.
I imagine that after the diagnosis, starting a process of self-knowledge, recovery, and therapy, you had to review and re-evaluate your values, thought patterns, behaviours, relationships, etc. Did you have to reconstruct your life? In what way?
Yes, starting a journey of self-knowledge and recovery has been a very profound experience for me, even though I’m at a very early stage in this process. Right now, I feel like I’m on a journey of discovery about my whole life, where I’m exploring and examining different aspects that shape who I truly am. This requires deep reflection on my values, thought patterns, and behaviour, as well as my relationships.
I’ve realized that many of the values I’ve adopted over the years may not truly be mine; instead, they may be external influences or social norms I internalized without questioning. I’m trying to re-evaluate them to determine which values are indeed aligned with me and who I want to be.
Likewise, I’m taking a close look at my thoughts and behaviour patterns, recognizing those that are dysfunctional and/or harmful.
Concerning my relationships, I’m learning to identify which are healthy and which are toxic for my emotional well-being.
Although I’m still at the beginning of this reconstruction process, I’m determined to continue exploring and learning about myself. I recognize that this path is very hard and challenging and requires a lot of patience, but I’m confident it will be worth it in the end.
What advice would you give, at this moment, to someone going through a difficult time?
I often say, "I lived like a survivor, to live like a warrior." I know there are days when everything is dark, heavy, and painful, but there is treatment. If you don’t believe in that treatment, no one will believe it for you. Be gentle and patient with yourself; the journey is yours and no one else’s.
