My journey with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has been quite a mental earthquake.

At the age of 8/9, I started thinking and dreaming about death and fearing it immensely, but my BPD symptoms started when I was around 12/13 years old, with panic attacks, extreme anxiety, depression, feelings of emptiness and void, lack of self-awareness, self-esteem, lack of sense of time, how interpersonal relationships worked, a lack of a clear picture of my own identity.

I kept living through it, studying, working multiple different jobs, travelling, living abroad - running away and avoiding my inner demons. Every year I had a new group of friends, a new job, a new hobby, a new interest, a new obsession. I felt so misunderstood, I strived to find a tribe of people who could listen with empathy and no judgement, without having to have felt what I had, and, coupled with the fact that I’m a curious person, I wiggled my way into different groups of friends who would teach me about their difficulties, and how they coped with them. I was so mesmerized and obsessed about how other people go through challenges.

There is a threshold on how much emotional pain someone can endure and by the end of 2018, I ended up at my breaking point, and started seriously self-harming, which culminated in a suicide attempt.

That was the only time my family and I realized something had to be done, for different reasons. As for me, I had been in denial and passed judgment on therapy and psychiatry - I thought I was smart enough and strong enough to go through this and overcome it by myself. As for my family, no one ever seemingly noticed the enormous amount of suffering, despair and brokenness I’ve felt.

 My thoughts, emotional, and behavioural patterns weren’t considered to be normal, whatever that means, and this last resort of escaping the pain had to be addressed. 

In 2018 I started seeing a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist, which I still do, and that’s when I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The diagnosis was both a sentence and a relief. There was actually a name and a group of people who were feeling identical symptoms! I wasn’t alone, after all, and there was a reason behind my negative self-talk and patterns, thoughts and emotions.

The recovery process has been extremely daunting, painful, challenging, long, and excruciatingly lonely, but I can say it has saved my life.

I still experience intense highs and lows but I’ve slowly, and still am learning, to identify my toxic thoughts, and behaviours, and to cope, deal with, manage and prevent strong reactions from triggers.. I’ve become calmer, emotionally more stable than before, and hopeful.

I want to set a reminder for someone with BPD or a mental illness that these low dark holes are temporary, they are cyclical, and they can be managed with time and effort. Every time you ride a high, remember to arm yourself for the next low blow, so you can be ready, strong, patient, and tolerant with yourself.