Testimonial with Francisca
What was the process like before and during the diagnosis? How did you handle it?
It was a long process. I spent years without knowing that I had something specific. I always thought it was just anxiety and depression. But when I reached 17 or 18, I started to look at my whole history and gather the information I had collected over my life, and I realized it was not just that. It was much more complex. I had to fight hard to understand that what I had had a name, and healthcare professionals never really supported me through this diagnosis. There is a lot of discrimination on their part and a lot of prejudice. It was only with a psychiatrist I saw who confirmed my diagnosis that I found someone who understood perfectly why I wanted the diagnosis and why it was a relief for me.
Which symptoms affect you the most?
Nowadays, because I have access to many tools that helped me evolve, I can live relatively better. But it depends a lot on the phase I’m in. For me, the symptoms that affect me the most are definitely the jealousy I feel, the huge bouts of rage I have, and the episodes of splitting. The latter is the hardest for me because I know that even if I try to control them, the person on the other side dealing with me won’t understand. It becomes very difficult to deal with the contradictory thoughts I have. It’s like there’s someone inside me trying to scream bad things, and I try not to believe them. But it doesn’t always work.
How do you deal with these symptoms, which have you learned to manage, and how? What helps you regulate your emotions, triggers, and impulses?
I had many bad healthcare professionals who made me doubt everything, so I’m not one of those people who thinks they’re all good and here to help us. But around the age of 17, I met the best psychologist I could have known. Unfortunately, and ironically, my borderline diagnosis led to a point where we couldn’t communicate anymore. But until then, she supported me in everything. I was always very self-taught and very independent. For years, since I was 12, I kept a record of my emotions and events that helped me understand how I function. In that sense, therapy wasn’t new to me. I already knew myself well. What was new for me was having someone truly there to listen to and support me. That made all the difference.
So, having tools like always questioning what I’m thinking; asking if I might be dramatizing, if I’m unfairly doubting myself and others, or if there’s any validity to my suspicions—these help me stay more stable. Also, having access to things that help me release anger, like practising martial arts and listening to podcasts, is super helpful.
What are your biggest fears regarding this disorder? And what positives do you see in it?
Very honestly, impulsivity. I am a very impulsive person, and sometimes this leads me to make decisions that are very dangerous for my mental and physical health. When I was a minor, things were worse, and I did very terrible things. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware of what I was doing, and I didn’t have anyone to guide me toward the right path.
The positive sides are that I have a huge heart for those I love. I genuinely care about people, and I do whatever it takes for the people I care about. I am very intense and have no shame in expressing my love for people, which is something that has been lost in today’s world. That’s why I think it’s one of my qualities.
I imagine that after the diagnosis, starting a process of self-knowledge, recovery, and therapy, you had to review and re-evaluate your values, thought patterns, behaviors, relationships, etc. Did you have to reconstruct your life? In what way?
Honestly, no. I didn’t have to do any reconstruction because I already had a strong self-awareness. But something that helped was, in knowing the diagnosis, gaining a community that better understands what I go through.
What advice would you give, at this moment, to someone going through a difficult time?
I have a few suggestions: always try to question yourself. Don’t take your feelings as absolute truths. Often, we might think the world is against us, and we might think that no one loves us or wants us. But sometimes, our biggest enemy is ourselves. So, question yourself.
Try to do things you enjoy. Even if it’s not socially acceptable, like playing as an adult—if you like it, do it. Anything that helps you feel good.
Try to surround yourself with similar people. It’s much easier to feel like you’re strange if you’re surrounded by people whose personalities don’t match yours. Here, the law of similarity is very good to keep you from feeling so alone. Take advantage of this community to feel less isolated.
