Testimonial with Tilly
Tilly, a 21-year-old woman, diagnosed in 2021. She’s from the UK and is currently studying a degree in Human Resource Management.
How was the process leading up to and during the diagnosis? How did you deal with it?
The process leading up to diagnosis was very emotionally painful and turbulent. It was the end of a relationship for me that was entirely unstable that shook me into place and I knew I needed to take ownership for my mental health struggles. I didn't know who I was at the time, and carried a feeble identity of people pleasing mayhem characterised by intensive self-hatred. I finally reached out and sought the diagnosis I needed through a private psychiatrist. It put me into debt at the time, but to the same end was the best money I had ever spent. I worked hard to get out of the debt through multiple jobs and was privileged enough to be supported by my chosen family, (my friends).
What are the symptoms that affect you the most?
Previously, it was an intensive myriad of ALL symptoms. Unstable self-image and super unstable interpersonal relationship hurt the most. But overtime, as I learnt more about myself and healed more, I saw how each symptom had manifested in early teenage years up until now and it was time to make a change.
How do you cope with these symptoms, which ones have you learned to manage, and how? - What helps you regulate your emotions, triggers, and impulses?
Coping is different each day, right? There are days when I can use the healthiest, nourishing coping mechanisms and feel so accomplished. DBT therapy group was given to me for free through our national healthcare and that also helped empower me to regulate myself daily. Regulating is great, but I also try to seek happiness in small things some days. These days will be connecting with nature, reaching out to friends, journaling and getting creative and crafty to explore my emotions. The latter has been the most transformational for me. On other days, I have to accept that there is simply no way to cope in a perfect way and I have to self-soothe in whatever way keeps me safe. This could be staying in bed, eating comfort food and just crying with my stuffed animals but that is okay too, as long as I am safe.
What are your biggest fears regarding this disorder? And what are the positive aspects you see in it?
The biggest fear surrounds being at war with myself when it is myself and only myself that is completely permanent in my life. I need to honour her and give her the utmost adoration, but I am consistently held back from that. I fear going back to the previous darkness I have been in and the damage I am capable of doing to me.
A huge positive is the creativity and glorious open mind that comes along with it. I have so much passion for what I care about, so much emotion that can be poured into different cups. I'm still trying to figure out those and that's okay. We, as a community, have the biggest hearts and it is just about protecting and honouring that heart that has been hurt.
I imagine that after the diagnosis and beginning a process of self-discovery, recovery, and therapy, you have had to review and reassess your values, thought patterns, behaviour, and relationships. Was there a reconstruction of your life that you had to undergo? In what way?
Entirely and honestly it’s still a process I am in. I have connected with myself in ways I could have never imagined over the last 3 years and I am growing to love who I am. I have been able to realise what I value without the influence or mask of others and I feel excited for a future of further growth.
What advice would you give, at this moment, to someone going through a difficult phase?
I promise you that all the adversity you have experienced is only making your heart grow bigger, even if it does not feel like it. Try find a motto, a word, a phrase that is yours and that brings you comfort. Own it, honour it and embrace it.
Mine is - The lotus flower only blooms in muddy water because it has to make you conscious of the beauty you have but cannot see in your life. No mud, no lotus. I got a tattoo of a lotus flower recently and it filled my heart with warmth.
Thank you so much,
Tilly
